Wednesday, February 24, 2010

The before story of Hansel and Gretel

Once upon a time before THE once upon a time before there was a Hansel and before there was a Gretel there was a Hans and there was a Siegfried. Hans was a man of about 20, with sleek black hair, ocean blue eyes that twinkled in the sun, and a dull but kind mind.

Siegfried was a man of about 40, with salt and pepper hair, brown eyes, a slim form and also a dull brain.

Both men were very poor and very hungry. They met one day outside the local superstore and devised a plan to make all their troubles vanish…

 

“Hurry up!” Siegfried whispered, as he and Hans snuck through the back door of Helga’s bakery.

“I’m hurrying, I’m hurrying.” Claus replied, a trace of worry in his voice. They had gone into the bakery theft business when they heard that bakeries had a lot of dough, them not being the brightest bunch (of course) thought that people were referring to money, so first chance they got were in a bakery. After their first successful robbery they realized that although bakeries had money in the cash registers, they were NOT full of the kind of dough they were thinking of. They did enjoy the bread and treats though, so decided to stay in the business as a way of getting food, and also figured it was a good idea because not many other people are in that business.

7 years later Siegfried found himself back in Helga’s bakery for the millionth time, but this time was not like the others. He would usually come to the bakery in secret as a thief, but this time he was here as Helga’s friend. Him and Helga had met a while ago and now were deeply in love with each other. Helga did not have a clue that Siegfried was the one robbing her shop, and ruining her life. They talked in the bakery for a while until Siegfried suggested they go out for dinner. They went to a romantic restaurant and ordered the most expensive thing on the menu.

“Um… I don’t think we should order that,” Helga said, a worried look creased her forehead.

“Why not?” Siegfried replied a puzzled look on his own face.

“well you see I can’t pay for that. I’ve been having some trouble… with the bakery,” she said.

He didn’t know what to say “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that,” he thought he needed to add something else “so… has there been robberies and theft,” he clapped his hand over his mouth “or um slow business.”

“Someone has been robbing the bakery. Almost every week now 2 men come in and steal absolutely EVERYTHING!” she cried “well at least one of them will soon be caught with a stomach growing the way his is, at least I know someone’s enjoying my baked goods.”

Siegfried looked down at his own growing belly, and then at Helga’s face searching her eyes to make sure she didn’t know it was him, she didn’t have a clue.

 

“Later that very evening Siegfried found himself back in the bakery with a different friend, with Hans. He was busy clearing out the stock room, when Helga’s face popped up in his mind. He wanted to stop but he couldn’t think of another way to get food and money.

As they were on there way out the door Siegfried felt his sides brushing past the door, he knew that if he ate tonights profits he wouldn’t be able to fit next time.

The next week when he came back he had a very queasy feeling in his stomach, and knew he wouldn’t be able to get out the back door without a fight.

As he was forcing his huge body through the door, he heard the sound of sirens as the local police made their rounds. This would be the end of him, he knew he would be caught.

 

He found himself in a jail cell, stuck with 10 years in jail, and a huge amount to pay off.

Hans knew that this was happening, and also knew that he could keep absolutely NO contact with him if he didn’t want to be found out. So he didn’t keep any contact or show any recognition.

Helga figured she had said something wrong and that that was why Siegfried wasn’t keeping in touch with her. She was so overjoyed that the thief was caught.

9 months later Hans was caught as well charged with 10 years as well.

 

The 2 men did not see each other in prison and when they came out went completely separate ways.

Hans went on to marry a lovely wife Greta, while Siegfried married Helga the baker.

 

Siegfried noticed the wrong and harm he had done and decided he had to make the world a sweeter, better place. He wanted everything to be made out of cookies, cake, candy and other treats. He managed to convince Helga without even telling her the real reasoning behind it. They started this dream with their own house. They made most of the walls out of gingerbread covered with icing and candy.

 

Hans found work as a lumberjack, but seeing as that is not a very good business especially when people only want cookies, cakes and candy as building material the market was worse than ever. He once again found himself in the poor house. He tried to get a different job but no one else would hire him seeing as he was an ex-con

 

One terrible day Helga discovered that Siegfried her beloved husband was the one who had ruined her life and business. She was so angry with him that she threatened to leave him and told him she never wanted to see him again.

A few days later Helga realized that she still wanted to be married to him and did want to talk to him and see him. She went to find him, and when the search was finally over she discovered that her beloved Siegfried had died of shame and depression.

 

Helga became very, very, very angry and turned into an evil witch.

She still had the reputation as the towns best baker, and everyone bought her products. She was so angry that she started putting poison in her food, this making hundreds of people die,

 

Hans and Greta were sharing their weekly loaf of bread and cup of milk when a loud gurgling sound came from Greta’s hungry stomach.

“Here you can have my piece of bread,” said Hans, passing her his piece.

Of course they had gotten the bread from Helga’s bakery.

Greta became very weak and died the next day, because the bread was poisoned.

 

Helga’s eyes became very weak because she would spend most of her day crying and rubbing her eyes.

 

Hans married a very evil woman name Hellvetica, and had two children named Hansel and Gretel.