Hey Grade,
This is my second draft of Wandering, I have taken out all the unnecessary bits, tell me which draft you like better! Please give me your comments on the PROS and CONS about the poem and how I can improve it... Thanks!
Wandering
by: Marc L.
Grade: 6A
I scrummage for the food
that fell from her sandwich
This is breakfast measly crumbs
and if I’m lucky scraps from the
a restaurant garbage
Walking alone
in Brooklyn others of my type
Looking as hungry
and tired as me
empty stomachs showing through their faces
Is this how I look
What has become of me
Who am I
My name is Frank but is it
still
I’ve been on this road
a long time
The road that put shaggy
dirty clothes on my body
the road where
hunger concurs
What is my step-father doing
No
why should I care
I am here because of him
Everything he said and did to me drove me
out
I wish I could run home
talk to mom
but I just can’t
People told me he loved
but I think it’s
crap
He would have treated me like his real son
I miss dad
real dad
and I wish I could call him
my minutes are up
I must keep my mind of that
and think about where I’m going
to sleep
what I’m going to eat
and keeping worm
I can’t sleep in that alley
last night a gang gathered nearby
Maybe a bench will do
I scrummage for the food
that fell from her sandwich
This is lunch measly crumbs
and if I’m lucky scraps from the
a restaurant garbage
Waiting
hoping
Craving
for a friend to recognize
me behind this wall that separates
me
from
reality
Looking in garbage cans for bottles
dozens just lying
doing
nothing
Inspecting myself
in a window
I have gotten so skinny
but in a
bad
way
kids
looking so
happy
in their
fur coats
going into shops
daddies buying them everything
I hate all that!
I hate it!
My life was never like that
I was cut off
from being spoiled
given
or loved
I feel like screaming
at the top of my lungs
but I don’t know
if I’m able to
my mouth is so parched
and I’m not sure if I want to
waste what I’ve got
I scrummage for the food
that fell from her sandwich
This is lunch measly crumbs
and if I’m lucky scraps from the
a restaurant garbage
Marc L.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
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3 comments:
WOW!!! That was just as amazing as your first draft but better. It was really deep. It was good how you described where the poem took place because it was easier for me to make a mental image. I also liked how you said and described as if you were that person or for anyone. I really dont know what to say, Good Job. is all that came out.
-Nini-
Marc once again you blow me away with your amazing writing. i t reads like an adult wrote it. The description in your poem is so pure it's just amazing.
keep up the great work
your friend Uppgrayedd
That imagery was amazing Marc. It's really impressive to see someone your age bring up such emotional problems and put them into words. You should continue to focus making those thoughts visible. A tip you might want to consider is concentrating on the one topic and making a clear change between the subjects. Otherwise well done!
-Shane Campbell, Grade 11
Lord Byng Secondary
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