Cinderella the Sequel
By: Noga Goldman
This is a one of a kind narrative that some people may know. It’s called “Cinderella” .Every thing from Cinderella dreaming of going to the ball to getting married to the prince has all happened in the past. Now let me tell you what happened one year after Cinderella and the prince got married.
It all started when Cinderella had her first baby. The baby’s name was Amanda. Amanda was a sweet, cuddly baby that had brown hair, blue eyes and a lot freckles on her cheeks. When Amanda was born Cinderella’s fairy god mother came to visit her and Cinderella asked the Fairy god mother to cast a glorious spell on Amanda. The Fairy god mother cast this spell “Abra-kadabra bibity bop you will be as beautiful as a swan and as precious as a bunny” but as she said that while waving her golden wand Amanda turned into a cute fluffy bunny!
While the prince got Amanda a carrot from the kitchen, Cinderella started to get frustrated .Cinderella’s face got red, her arms drooping and her voice sounded like a chain-saw. The Fairy god mother tried to calm Cinderella down a bit, she started blabbing about how there is a cure and that every thing is going to be okay…
The moment Cinderella heard there was a cure she started asking a million questions like…“Where is the cure?” or ”What is it made of?” or “Is it healthy?” all the typical questions a mom would ask. The Fairy god mother explained to Cinderella that the cure is in her factory, the cure is made of water and a special potion, the cure tastes like water and it isn’t healthy but Amanda will live.
So Cinderella, the Fairy god mother, the prince and Amanda went to the Fairy god mother’s factory. From the outside they saw a big brown house with a chimney on top, but when they got inside all the walls were full of colours and posters that said were to go if you want to make a potion or find one.
When they got to the potions room they all saw about one thousand potions on five gigantic shelves with about two hundred potions on each! The Fairy god mother flew up with the help of her shiny silver metallic wings and took of the fifth shelf a pink potion that has a picture of a baby and a bunny on it. Then she went into the storage room and took out a baby bottle. The Fairy god mother put the formula in the bottle and said to Cinderella that they should give it to Amanda in the play ground so after she drinks the potion she could play.
They all went to the play ground across the street with the bottle in the Fairy god mothers hand, Amanda in Cinderella’s hands and a half eaten carrot in the princes hand. When they got to the play ground Cinderella heard a familiar sound. It was the sound of someone laughing but an evil laugh. Then when the Fairy god mother was about to feed Amanda the potion Cinderella’s step sisters snatched it from her hand and threw the bottle on the ground. The entire potion flew in the air and landed on the floor!
And They All Did not Live Happily Ever After……
THE END
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Noga`s Draft #1
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6 comments:
I thought that was excellent Noga!
The lead was clear and the title is very original.
Maybe you should consider adding more dialogue, maybe between the evil step sister and cinderella?
the sensory language was appropriate and frequent.
The organization was logical and clear.
the ending was powerful and very effective!
Good job!
-Is :)
Noga,
I really enjoyed your story. As said n Isobel's comment, you should consider adding ore dialogue.
-Yaakov
I thought that was great Noga!!! you had a lot of sensory language and it was logical. the only thing was that sometimes you got your tenses mixed up.
-J :)
Dear Noga, this is a very original story, I really enjoyed it. You had a good lead though I saw some grammar errors. The conclusion left me with too many questions, it seemed like there should be a sequel to the sequel. Great job!- Salome
Noga,
I loved the story. You used a newer version of the typical Cinderela the mom version to be specific. I also liked how you made it short but clear. It created many mental pictures in my head
Good job
-Dani
Dear Noga,
Your story had a very effective lead. It grabed me and also had a very original and effective title. It had an excelent use of dialouge, and proper use of it. Your story had very few mistakes. Your sensory laguage was very well and your story was very well organized.
Good job!
-Adi
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