Hey guys I just want some feedback on this poemi'm writting for my nanny.
At 9:07 you call my name
Because you know I’ll want pancakes
For an early morning start
Even though I’m still in bed
At 9:32 you’ve taken out the trash
Fed Freddy put in a load of laundry
And I’m still in bed
To tired to get up
By 9:45 you’ve got me out of bed and dressed
So we can have some bonding time
While we make pancakes together
You are always so thoughtful
At 10:26 you’ve gone to the garden
To pick some fruit and veggies
You asked me to help
I say yes immediately and go bring the baskets
Fanny
Monday, December 10, 2007
Summer 9:00 am (First Draft)
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2 comments:
Fanny,
You've really nailed it! True appreciation is in the details, and your details are perfect and personal.
"to" needs to be changed to "too" because you mean "also".
I would suggest finding a way to tie your poem up with a stanza that really defines your appreciation.
-Mr. G.
Fanny,
I also agree with Mr. Gelmon, at the end you need something to give it a bam and to wake up your audience even more than they already are :}. If I were your nanny,I would be really happy to have received this poem from someone so nice like you. I liked especially because you kind of said everything at what time it really is so it made a mental picture of your nanny making pancakes and you still trying to get out of bed but cant because you needed to be woken up by someone as special as your nanny.
Good Job:)
-Nini-
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