LIONS FOR LUNCH AND ZEBRAS FOR DINNER
On a beautiful sunny day Mouse was carrying a basket of cheese for lunch at school. He was walking by a beach house and he stopped and asked in a soft and shy voice, “ Hello, anybody there?”
A loud voice snapped, “ I eat lions for lunch and zebras for dinner and come in if you dare.” Mouse screamed and ran away to see Monkey, his best friend, and stammered, “ T-there’s a-a lo-oud vo-oice inside that house and it-it sounds re-ally scary. I was wondering if you could try to scare him away pl-lease?”
“ Of course, I have scared people away before so it should be easy to scare too.” exclaimed Monkey.
They walked to the house and Monkey did a huge loud growl and a loud voice said, “ I eat lions for lunch and zebras for dinner so come in if you dare.”
Monkey was so scared that Mouse and Monkey asked all of the animals at the beach to scare the loud voice. The animals were so scared except for Tiger. Tiger yelled at the loud voice that was scary and mean. A tall blue monster ran out of the house running awkwardly around the yard and he was so scared.
Tiger questioned all the animals, “ Where are you guys off to?”
Mouse said, “ We are all off to school down at the beach. Would you guys like to come with us?”
Tiger asked the monster if he wanted to go to school. Monster said “ Yeah, that would be great so I can make new friends.”
Monkey pleaded, “ let’s go, we don’t want to be late or Mrs. Dolphin will give us a detention.” All of animals laughed and laughed as they were walking to school.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Draft #1
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4 comments:
Rina,
that was really good.
Well done,
Noga
You didn't indent, but that's probably the blogs fault because it won't let me indent either.
You used all of the ruled of dialogue and your lead and conclusion are very effective.
You have a few convention mistakes.
Other than those few things, I think your story is great.
Keep up the good work.
Jamie
Hey Rina!
you did have a few convention mistakes but other than that your story was awsome!!!!!
Dear Rina,
Your story had a very effective lead. It grabed me and also had a very original and effective title. It had an excelent use of dialouge, and proper use of it. Your story had very few mistakes. Your sensory laguage was very well and your story was very well organized.
Good job!
-Adi
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